Living In Your Letters
by Crazy Lady Wolf
Summary: Love like no other, that's what Santana has always felt for her boyfriend, Brett. When he left to fulfill his duty thousands of miles away, she clung to every reminder she had of him. A few letters, short Skype conversations and rare phone calls were all they had to keep them connected, or so Santana thought. (Might be a little angsty.) Genderswap!Britt
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** I don't know much about the army or anything in affiliation to it and the process a person goes through when enrolled. I will try to make it as plausible as possible but I apologize in advance for any discrepancies.

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Santana Marie Lopez was six years old when she met the first and only person she ever truly loved, Brett Samson Pierce. There was an instant sort of fascination the moment her mocha colored eyes met his baby blues. Even after years, she could easily remember the way his lips broke out into a bright smile, revealing a gap between his two front teeth on the first day they saw each other. On their first anniversary of dating, she bashfully admitted to him that she thought he was the coolest kid she saw because of his Reptar shirt; he kissed her.

Years later and her love still burned as bright as it did when he finally mustered the courage to ask her out for the first time. Santana could still vividly recall the ordeal, tilting her head to the side with a smile firmly in place both on her lips and in her eyes. Brett sheepishly confessed to the Latina of his less than incredible memory of the event, stating that the only thing he could say for sure was that she wore a dark red long sleeved shirt. He always said that red was her color.

At times, she would find herself reminiscing the lonely moments during the beginning years of their relationship. After all the time that had passed since those early years, the pain that accompanied those moments didn't appear. Instead, they brought a small, watery smile to her lips and happy tears to her eyes. The love of her life did things that only a true hero was capable of.

When she was twenty one, Santana supposed that many, especially her old high school classmates, would assume she'd suffocate in a relationship of such intensity and duration. She didn't. On the contrary, she thrived at the side of her soul mate. Her smile was fuller and laughter heartier. The passion she had for music grew to the point where she had notebooks full of songs; more than half of which were dedicated to a certain blond. He joined in on many of her duets, complimenting her voice perfectly.

The two lived comfortably together in a small apartment that was approximately a fifteen minute walk from Julliard, the school they both attended. At times, Santana still couldn't believe that she had lived in New York City in order to pursue her dreams of making something of her music with the love of her life. She owed it all to her goofball, even though he always denied any of the credit.

Her life was finally absolutely perfect and she was completely content with it all. Hell, she'd be perfectly happy anywhere so long as she was with Brett. He regularly told her that he'd live in a shoe with her like the lady in the story and he'd still be content because the Latina made everything better. Santana's heart melted a little because of the undeniable truth in his gorgeous eyes. He always knew how to melt her.

It wasn't until a few months of perfection that her world seemed to crumble and break apart in front of her very eyes and it all started with a phone call…

...

"Brett, baby, stop fidgeting," Santana scolded with a laugh. He merely pouted at her and let out a sigh.

"It's going to be boring, isn't it?" he asked. His deep voice resembled more of a pout than his jutted out lip.

In response, the Latina rolled her eyes and finished adjusting his tie. She had to admit, he looked absolutely handsome in his dark red button down, black tie and slacks. Then again, he never looked anything short of incredibly attractive.

"I'm going to take that as a yes."

"You're the one that told Hummel-Berry we'd be there. You can't blame me for anything," she said, emphasizing her words with a pointed stare. Brett tried to keep the pout on his face but couldn't fight the smile that made its way to his lips. All he could see was Santana in the dress that complimented his outfit and nothing else existed. They were a matching pair, made for each other.

"You're beautiful," he murmured. The way his eyes focused on hers simply stole her breath away, even after all their years together.

"You too," she smiled. His low, rumbling laugh was cut short by Santana's caressing touch. She ran her fingertips along his strong jaw, up his cheek, over the bridge of his nose then across his lips. How did she get so lucky?

"San, you're my girlfriend." His tone was reverent, speaking the words as if they were the greatest prayer.

"And you're my boyfriend," she replied with a smile. It was a game they played often, as tribute to the first time they officially acknowledged their relationship a little over three years ago.

Slowly, they leaned closer to each other so that their faces were only a breath apart. Their eyes remained locked for only a moment until their lips met in an impassioned kiss. Santana's arms wrapped around her boyfriend's neck of their own accord the same moment his wound around her waist.

The couple remained as such, cocooned in the warmth of their loving embrace. They would have continued in their own world if not for the loud ringing of Brett's phone.

"Mood killer," he chuckled, reluctantly pulling himself from his brunette. She harrumphed, glaring at his pants pocket that held the device. She had half a mind to snatch it away and verbally lay out a Lima Heights smack down on whoever interrupted their kiss.

Sensing the direction of the raven haired beauty's thoughts, Brett quickly answered his phone with a light, "hey mom."

The frustration Santana felt instantly disappeared when she found out it was Mama Pierce on the other end of the line. Just as she was about to ask for the opportunity to greet the older woman, a dark look crossed the blond's face. She instantly changed her actions, moving to console him rather than demand the cell.

"When?" he asked.

Resting her head on his chest, all she heard was the steady beating of his heart and the soft murmur of Mrs. Pierce's voice over the phone. His free arm instantly went to her waist and pulled her closer, so that her body was completely flush against his. Some of the tension in his muscles faded away but the troubled look that pinched his brow and pressed his lips into a frown didn't disappear. Worry began to slowly gnaw at Santana's stomach; Brett rarely ever frowned.

"I'll take care of it, don't worry." His voice was strained and it hurt her to hear it as such. "I love you too, mom." He buried his face in his girlfriend's hair, taking a deep breath after he bid his mother farewell.

Again they lost themselves for a moment, holding their other half in a tight embrace. Santana might not have known what was troubling her boyfriend but she did know that she hated him in any mood that wasn't happy.

"We're going to be late," he eventually mumbled into her hair. The Latina pulled far enough away to look into his eyes while remaining in his strong arms. His azure gaze was slightly darker than usual but there was little chance the reason was due to any form of lust.

"What's wrong, B?" she questioned softly, ignoring his words.

"Let's hear our friends sing and then we can talk, is that okay?" His gentle blue eyes were pleading, urging Santana to temporarily drop the topic and move on.

She nodded slowly, still worried but completely trusting in his requests. He never did her wrong, ever.

Two hours later, Brett sported what appeared to be a broad grin when he walked up to congratulate Rachel and Kurt on their job well done but Santana wasn't convinced. She knew the differences in his smiles and recognized the lingering sadness in his features. It was difficult, but she followed his lead and did her greatest to put her best face forward. Their friends got a little suspicious when Santana did nothing but smile and agree with the praise Brett offered but then she added a few snarky remarks and they were never the wiser.

The ride home was tense, strained with the silence over whatever bothered Brett. He avoided meeting her eyes, instead focusing on the road and their surroundings. It was unnerving, having a secret between them. Brett felt like bursting, especially when they were stuck behind a red light.

The moment they passed through the threshold of their quaint home, he grabbed Santana by her waist and crashed his lips to hers. He pinned her against their front door, pressing into her body with his. She reacted without hesitation, losing herself in his heated kiss and teasing touch. They were made to be together.

What began as rough and sloppy show of nearly overpowering hunger and desire transformed into a gentle and warm display. Their kiss slowed and their hands began to languidly rove around one another's body. They took their time removing each other's clothes, button by button undone with nimble and patient fingers. Time no longer existed as they reassured themselves as well as their partner that the love they shared could never be tainted. Brett put all his want and need into every brush of his lips and caress of his fingers, temporarily putting the news of the day away from his mind.

Soon they were in their room, both bared naked and exposed in more ways than one. Santana knew something tragic was upon the horizon but didn't care in that moment that they shared a kiss so passionate yet incredibly gentle it robbed her of her very breath. It felt like their first time all over again, with all their emotions and senses super charged. Every action equaled an unparalleled amount of love.

They made love like no other time that night. In Brett's heart, he was already bidding his soul mate his temporary goodbye. He stared at her, looking down in wonder at the woman whose head rested above his heart, whose dark hair was splayed across his broad chest, whose sweet chocolate eyes were closed in contentment.

"I love you," she whispered, echoing the thoughts in both their minds. Her warm breath tickled his skin and sent chills down his spine. The brunette smiled when she felt more than saw the shiver that ran through his body. Her fingers ghosted over his bare abdomen, eliciting a small moan to escape her boyfriend.

"Santana," he mumbled, drawing out her name. She soaked in the heat of his naked body flush against hers, reveling in the tingling it caused to dance along her skin.

"Yes?" she half grinned.

He pressed a soft kiss to the crown of her head. She opened her eyes to look up at him and study his handsome face. She noticed the small smile that he wore didn't totally reach his eyes. His steady gaze was warm and tender but held lingering traces of the worry and melancholy she saw earlier. Suddenly, his nakedness didn't have such an effect on her as it did a few seconds ago.

"Baby, please talk to me." She shifted so that she could face him more fully and inspect him more carefully.

He let out a long sigh before scooting back on their bed so that he could sit up. He pulled her into his arms and smoothed back the damp hair that stuck to her forehead. After placing a small kiss to her forehead, he leaned back against the head board and closed his eyes.

"My dad was always my greatest hero, you know that," he began slowly. "He was always so tall and strong, like a superhero, like Superman but he wore camo. He taught me to take care of mom and Suze. He was the one that got me into boy scouts and taught me a whole bunch of cool stuff.  
"I remember the first time he came back home after his first deployment that I could remember. Mom dropped a whole mixing bowl full of cake batter when he walked into the kitchen and it splattered all over my feet. Dad just burst out laughing, dropped his bag and picked my mom up. She cried but she was laughing too and I remember asking my dad why. He just said that it was because she was really, _really_ happy to be a family again, so I laughed too. I was four.  
"When… when he didn't come back from the last time he was deployed, it hurt, a lot. Mom and Suze couldn't stop crying. I didn't cry that much because I was his soldier and he said soldiers do their best to not cry in public. San, you were the main light of my life during that time." He felt her fingers brush across his cheek, causing him to open his eyes and that's when he realized tears had spilled down his face.

"I'm always with you, Brett," she cooed, gently urging him to continue.

"For as long as I can remember, I've wanted nothing more than to make my dad proud; I've wanted to be like him and that's why I did what I did. I don't regret signing up, not in the least; I just hated being away from you for so long when we just barely started dating. You were stuck in Lima, waiting for me when _this_ city was waiting for _you_. I know it was only a few months but it was hard. It was only because of all the circumstances surrounding me and my connections, the reserve took me in and let me get out to you. After training, all I've had to do was give every other weekend and that's it and two weeks a year. We've been so happy these past few months…" he trailed off for a moment, unsure how to proceed. He was sure he didn't have to say it because of the look that had taken residence in Santana's eyes. He knew she understood but he also knew that she wanted, no _needed_ to hear him say it.

_No, no, no, no, no, no, _the word played on a loop in the Latina's mind. She couldn't fully comprehend the reason behind the thought, nor could she piece together the reason behind the heavy lump that suddenly took residence in her throat. Her mind stubbornly kept what felt so obvious from her conscious thoughts. _No, no, no, no_.

"They called my mom about an hour before she called me." She began shaking her head from side to side, sitting up and out of his embrace. _No, no_…

"I forgot to let them know about my change in number when I put down our new address…" _No_… She put her hands over her ears, willing away the unbearable sense of dread that squeezed the very breath out of her lungs. It did nothing to keep the next words that came from his gorgeous mouth.

"Santana… I'm being deployed in a little less than a month."

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**Another Author's Note:** I've been working on this and mulling the idea around for a while and finally decided to post it today in celebration of my birthday. This fic won't be too long and will possibly contain quite a few errors (all of which are mine). The next update should be soon. Thanks for reading!

Any questions? Review, PM or check out my tumblr to get in touch with me.  
**crazy-lady-wolf. tumblr. com**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** I don't know much about the army or anything in affiliation to it and the process a person goes through when enrolled. I will try to make it as plausible as possible but I apologize in advance for any discrepancies.

* * *

_"Santana… I'm being deployed in a little less than a month."_

The moment the word 'deployed' left his mouth, Santana's mind went blank. Of all sounds those lips have ever let out, that specific combination of letters with the context they were put in was the worst to ever tumble forth.

She blinked slowly and began to furrow her brows. Brett continued to talk, offering explanations and reasons, rambling on and trying to sort through his own muddled thoughts but the brunette couldn't keep up. Whatever he said was lost on her, going in one ear and out the other, all she could do was blink.

"San, sweetheart, say something," he pleaded. Finally, the despair that shone through in his words and mirrored her own got through to her. The blond reached out and touched her elbow, afraid of her reaction to his touch.

Santana Marie Lopez began to sob so passionately that her entire body shook. The love of her life, the only person to know what to do in times of distress, the only one who could calm her vicious tongue, the single most important factor in her life was going off to take part in war. She shook harder.

_No, no, no, no, no, nononononono_… on and on the word ran through her mind with such ferocity it blended into a single thing and her world spun on its axis. What did she do to have him yanked from her grasp when everything had fallen so perfectly in place? She squeezed her eyes tighter, as if she could open them once more and find it was all some horrible nightmare.

"Santana," Brett tried once more, infinitely gentle.

_No, no, no_, he was her everything.

"Shh, San, please," he begged. It was then she noticed he had moved so that he was kneeling before her on the bed, looking at her with the most desperate eyes. He cupped her face in his large, slightly calloused hands, running his thumbs across her tear streaked cheeks. It pained her to see tear tracks of his own marring his devastatingly handsome face.

"I'm so sorry, Santana, I'm so sorry." He bowed his head and pulled away, unable to meet her dark eyes any longer. "My mom gave them my new number. They're going to call to give me some details then I have to go to Fort Hamilton to learn more. All I know for now is Brazil is my… first stop."

"I'm going with you!" she immediately declared. Her voice was hoarse from the crying and her pain rang out clearly with every syllable. The tears stopped with the utterance of her next words. "I'm not letting you go again." He whipped his head up in a way that left little doubt to the mind hurt from its suddenness.

His blond brows shot up to his hair line, surprise and sadness obvious in his watery cobalt gaze. Hope flashed alongside the sadness for a moment so brief in time Santana was almost certain she imagined it. He opened his mouth and closed it a few times, looking at her with uncomprehending eyes. Santana would have smiled a little at his likeliness to a fish if not for the circumstances surrounding them.

"I don't… San, our dreams, _your_ dreams are here." He looked deeply into her eyes, imploring her to really listen. "You have to go to school, San. You have to follow your heart." There was a trembling quality to everything he said and Santana felt lost, wandering between all the thoughts and emotions swirling inside of her. "I love you," he whispered, the breath of his words brushing along her heated skin and seeping into her pores. Again, he cupped her face but his hold was feeble in comparison.

"But you _are_ my heart," she argued, placing her hands over his, holding them to her face. "Brett, wherever you go, my heart goes because you. Are. My. Heart." She enunciated each word with a squeeze of his hand, urging him to wipe away the hurt and clear the distress from her mind. "I love you Brett, I do." Again, her vision blurred with tears that threatened to spill.  
"I know you have to go, but can't I go with you?" She sounded small and unsure, like a small child asking about some forbidden, dreadful thing. "I can't tell you not to go, why can't you do the same?" Guilt immediately clung to her every breath the moment the question was voiced. Brett jerked back and looked as if he had been shot clear in the heart. "I didn't- I just- I…" She didn't know how to continue.

"A few days before one of the times my dad had to leave, I begged him to stay with us." Apparently Brett took her speechlessness as a cue to talk again. "I think I freaked out because a kid in my class told me that his dad never came back when he left. I remember him sitting me down and looking me in the eyes and asking me if I really knew what an American soldier is and I said no. That was when he told me about his job, his _duty_ to keep not only the family safe but _you_ and all our friends safe. He said that there were bad guys that wanted to hurt people, hurt us and it was his job to stop them.  
"I told him about my classmate and he said that I had to be his little soldier for mom and Susie. He said that I had to be strong for them and keep them safe when he wasn't around." The blond's voice wavered for a moment but he cleared his throat and resumed talking. "I never realized he avoided what I said about him leaving for good. It didn't matter though because I knew my dad, Jonathan Pierce, was a hero. Do you know what he told me about being _his_ little soldier?"

Santana was at a loss of words, shocked at the topic he was addressing. In all their years together, as friends and lovers, Brett rarely if ever spoke about his dad in relation to anything with his family and the military. Occasionally he would mention small things his dad taught him, or jokes he said to him and there were even times where he would talk about his dad's heroism. The thing he never did was talk about any of his returns or deployment, especially in terms of his family. After the revelation of Brett's news, Santana was better able to focus on the words he shared with her. The whole night he spent sharing something with Santana he was never able to totally give up until then. It didn't make sense until right then, and she felt guilty that it took so long for her to _really_ hear him.

"What did he say?" she whispered. She couldn't bring herself to speak any louder than that for fear of snapping him out of his speech.

"He said the best weapon I had to fight the bad guys was happiness." He placed his forehead against his girlfriend's. "He said keeping everyone safe included keeping them happy because it's dangerous being sad." His warm breath washed over her face, causing her muscles to relax without conscious thought. "He said to never stop smiling and never forget what's important." He playfully bumped his nose against hers and offered up a small smile. "You and mom and Suze and your parents and all of you are important." He brushed her lips with his in a gentle and brief kiss. "It's time for me to be a big soldier, San, for all of you, everyone. It's time to be your soldier like my dad was for my mom." He pulled back only to look into her eyes and search for understanding.

Her dark eyes were nearly unreadable with the multitude of emotions swimming within their depths. She didn't know how to respond but she knew she was falling in love all over again with her boyfriend, her _soldier_. She also knew that there was a clawing sensation at the back of her throat that made her feel like throwing up because of all her feelings. It wasn't pleasant in the least.

"You're such an ass," she mumbled, wiping at her nose with the edge of their blanket. "You're the biggest ass in the entire world. You are bigger than J Lo and Niki Minaj's asses put together."

She wanted to laugh at the way his eyes widened so much, but hated it when she realized he looked incredibly insecure.

"You're such a huge ass but you're my ass and I love you so much," she said, wiping away most of the unease in his blue eyes. "I don't want you to go, I really don't." She ran her fingers down the side his face, then neck and chest to rest her palm over his heart. It beat frantically beneath her touch.

"I know," he whispered. In reality, he wanted to stay more than anything but knew that he couldn't. He was hers, above everything else but he wanted to do everything in his power to keep her safe, to keep everyone safe. Like his dad once said, '_not everyone has a hero and some people need one more than others_.'

"I… I'm going to miss you."

"I know."

He wrapped an arm around her and twined their fingers, sitting back so he could pull her onto his lap once more. The heat of her smooth, naked skin on his didn't incite the usual, unbearable desire that always seemed to follow the sensation. There were wisps of it deep in his belly but they were staunched by the thought of being away from the woman he loved.

Santana was experiencing similar feelings, fighting back a fresh wave of tears as her blond traced circles along the small of her back. She'd miss him so desperately, knowing he was the only reason she ever reached the level of both maturity and compassion she was at. She'd miss the way he'd pull a face and act goofily just to get her to laugh when she wanted nothing more than to cry. She'd miss the way he'd brush her hair to the side when it fell in her face and let his touch linger for a moment before he'd kiss her. She'd miss the way he'd fill her heart with so much love she'd feel like there was nothing left to do but burst.

"I… I lo… ik houd van u," she hiccupped, finally opting for words that held much more intensity.

As Santana expected, Brett simply stared at her with those penetrating blue eyes, wordlessly repeating the phrase as tears spilled onto his cheeks. They remained that way, their gazes locked, digits interlinked and silent thoughts shared. Soon they fell back onto their bed and drifted off into sleep while tangled in one another's embrace.

The days following Brett's news passed in a haze for the young couple. When Santana wasn't by her boyfriend's side, she was lost in thoughts of him, trying to commit every single second she spent with him to memory. Every night and every morning they spent making sweet, slow and passionate love to one another, getting lost in their feelings and desire.

The day Sergeant Keller called shattered the falsehood of their forced reality and sent them spiraling into a despairing chasm of truth. They had two weeks left with one another before Brett was sent to a base somewhere in Brazil. That night they cried themselves to sleep, not unlike the first night of their continuous goodbye.

It was difficult telling their long standing friends of Brett's looming deployment. A few of them were missing but most were there to hear the news in person.

Santana almost couldn't bare the sight of Quinn Fabray's watery hazel eyes when they broke the news to her. The blonde woman was well known for her stoic demeanor and sharp tongue, so the sight of her teary gaze left no doubt to anyone's mind of her sadness. No one said a thing when the petite blonde clung to the soon to be soldier.

In fact, when it became obvious she wasn't going to release him, Santana moved in to join them. Soon it became a group hug consisting of all their closest friends. Quinn sidled to the side so that she could wrap an arm around the Latina and the three were in the center of the embrace. Kurt, his boyfriend Blaine Anderson, Rachel and Brett's closest bro in high school Sam Evans openly wept as they joined in. Noah Puckerman and Finn Hudson, friends and old football teammates, set their jaws but couldn't fight the mistiness that collected in their eyes.

After the group said their goodbyes that afternoon Santana and Brett set out to spend their last four days together in the company of their combined families.

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**Another Author's Note: **I don't know when the next update will be. Possibly within the next two weeks, but I'm not sure. In all honesty, I'm still reeling from the loss of such an amazing person, Cory Monteith. While I was never such a huge fan of Finn, I loved watching Cory as just himself. That said, writing Glee related things feels weird to me right now so please be patient for updates. May he rest in peace.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed, followed, favorited and just plain old read, I appreciate the time you took on my work.


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